umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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