I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Randomize
