you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
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I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
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Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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