I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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