The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
