I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
whose ass print is on the piano?
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
try to milk me bitch
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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