So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
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