I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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