fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
