I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Randomize
