my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
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