My room smells like vodka and shame
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
