it was like fucking gandolphs beard
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
