Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
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