I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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