First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Randomize
