If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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