i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
