my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
as a side note pls kill me
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Randomize
