i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
