Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
