I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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