I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Randomize
