WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
