Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
