Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
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