she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
