My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Randomize
