i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
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