I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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