My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Randomize
