i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Randomize
