i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
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