dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
my penis made a compromise with my morals
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
