I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Randomize
