i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
dude she licked ball and has every Are you afraid of the dark episode on dvd
lock that shit down
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Randomize
