I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Congratulations! We have a period
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