Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Randomize
