Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Randomize