when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
