If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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