He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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