I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Randomize
