We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
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