Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
