I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
