i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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