Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
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