I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
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