someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
