Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
