Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
