I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
Randomize
