i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
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